dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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