I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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