I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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