I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
