You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm really busy with my period
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