Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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