my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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