can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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