no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
