so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
