Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
40s are totally the cure
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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