My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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