so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
