And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
