I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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