im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
