He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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