You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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