I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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