sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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