My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
