mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
