My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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