I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
