quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
