I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
40s are totally the cure
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am one with the molecules
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
