Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
In America we eat man semen.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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