I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
