The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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