4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
