i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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