my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
