my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
