1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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