I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
