If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Bring me that man meat
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
