i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
