I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
