I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
