she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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