If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
