Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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