when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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