Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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