HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
