fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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