Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
