Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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