If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
