Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
