ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
this just has baby written all over it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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