Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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