When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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