I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
