I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
