Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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