Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
