M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
